Maybe you know how it feels to build up to something big like a graduation, a holiday, or a race. The day arrives, the moment passes, and then you experience an emotional drop. The ornaments on the tree were so magical yesterday, but today? They seem out of place. (And who's going to pack them back up, anyway?) The race was great – but was it really worth months training? The paper your degree is printed on seems thinner than you remembered.
When we try something new or experience the satisfaction of finishing something that intimidated us, the drop back to the other side can feel like a bit of a shock.
What You Told Me During Sexmas
So many of you sent generous messages during the 12 Days of Sexmas! You were having new and more frequent conversations. You were having more sex. You were finding a balance between planning and spontaneity. You were exploring your boundaries. And then? There was a bit of a drop.
Totally normal. Predictable, even.
Your next messages came and you said
- "We’re a bit stuck again."
- "I had fun having more sex – but I don’t want to keep having that much sex."
- "I’m not sure how to talk about what I want."
- "Now what?"
Did you feel a drop-off, too?
Letting Go of the Let Down
Wondering how to continue with the positive energy from 12 Days of Sexmas without adding pressure? Here are a few concrete ideas and conversation starters.
Vacations are supposed to end
Vacations are vacations for a reason. They help us to get away and spend time in a stress-free zone, but part of their magic is in their impermanence. Vacations end, but some of the best parts stay with us forever. Same here. Relationship energy will always ebb and flow. Don't try to maintain new levels of sexual engagement, just keep the simple things you loved. More flirting. More conversations. More novelty. Practice the little things without any pressure for them to turn into big things.
Keep talking
If you were having more sex than usual but you’re not feeling like that will become the new norm, this is a great time to keep building those conversation skills. If you're the one to start the conversation, bring as much curiosity as you can muster. Try something like, "That was a lot of fun and I have loved feeling so connected. TKTK (some open-ended but informed question that is eluding me)?" It isn't uncommon for both partners to agree that the short-term increase in sex has been great – but it doesn't need to become the new normal. If you realize you're mismatched, commit to finding ways to meet both of your needs. Remember, spontaneity is over-rated and honest communication can be magic.
Every interaction is practice for next time
If you started a conversation that fizzled or tried something new and didn't see fireworks, remember it's all part of the process. Your relationship and sexual development are supposed to be works in progress! Hold onto a growth mindset and realize that nothing worthwhile arrives fully formed and perfected. We all begin with an idea of where we want to go – and when we arrive we realize it's actually just a stop along the way toward the next destination. 12 Days of Sexmas may have been the boost you needed to continue on your path, but there's no graduation ceremony, no end in sight. If you have old fixed beliefs hanging around, practice transforming them to reflect the growth and progression of real life. "I knew it was too good to last" can feel more like "I'm going to remember last week, for sure!" Try "I'm learning how much I like when my partner takes the lead!" instead of "they never initiate!"
Thank you!
Thank you for being such a wonderful community. <3 I feel lucky to have played a small part in your journey this holiday season, and I can't wait to connect with you again!
