No matter what you’ve seen on screen, great sex doesn’t just happen. In fact, most of the best things in life don’t just happen, they happen because people like you and me are putting effort, time and resources to make sure they happen!
Yes, there are unexpected, spontaneous surprises that just seem to pop up, and they can be memorable. But insisting that life should deliver spontaneous connections with your partner? I hope I’m not the one to burst your bubble, but depending on unpredictable, unplanned encounters would leave you endlessly frustrated and dependent on things way outside of your control.
My advice for a satisfying sex life in your partnership? Accept life’s spontaneous surprises with gratitude – and insist on coordinated, planned intimacy. Here’s what I suggest.
Plan to Plan
If you have never planned sex with your partner, set a date to talk about it. Discuss what days work best, what you want it to look like, the times that each person feels best about, and how you both feel about trying this new system out. Avoid making assumptions about these details! Couples often bump into potential barriers to connection while planning their sexual encounters. (Have you ever wondered if you’re using a busy schedule to avoid having tricky conversations about your sexual connection?)
Decide Which of You Will Initiate
Every time I write about sex I assume at least one idea will make you say, “well, duh!” Tonight, I feel like this is the obvious one: Almost every couple I meet has one partner more interested in sex than the other.
One of the best parts of planning sex is an agreement that the lower-desire partner sometimes takes responsibility for initiating. If you’re used to playing that role in your relationship, you might be surprised to feel a surge of attraction and energy in the days leading up to your date. Go with it! Even if it’s on a calendar, knowing you’re going to initiate can sometimes unlock pieces of your sexuality you didn’t realize fell between the cracks of your relationship.
What’s Your Backup Plan?
What if you get to the date you agreed to have sex and one or both of you just isn’t feeling it? Enthusiastic consent is the bedrock of healthy relationships, and that doesn’t change based on a calendar. If you get to the date and you or your partner don’t feel like engaging in intercourse, it is a good idea to have a backup plan.
While you’re making your schedule, talk about how you can check in with each other. Is there another way you can connect? Consider a massage, showering together, kissing, cuddling, even mutual masturbation – see if you can create a variety of ideas that leave you feeling closer, even if it doesn’t go the way you expected. Talking openly about your sexual connection, including activities that aren’t explicitly sexual, can minimize hurt feelings and leave you boh feeling satisfied.
Plan to Have Fun
You know how good it feels to have a meal plan for the coming week, right? Except for those crazy weeks when you get as far as planning a menu – and then life interrupts your best intentions and you never make it to the grocery store.
Sex isn’t so different. Getting it on the calendar is only the first step, and it’s up to each of you to line up the details. Looking forward to that massage candle? Find the lighter the day before. Get your KBH exclusive, printable body part deck cut out and ready. Charge the batteries in your new toy. Add songs to your playlist, tease your partner with text messages – these are all part of what can make scheduled sex amazing. Planning creates space for new and fun ideas that often get lost during more spontaneous sexual encounters.
For a quick boost in trying out a schedule, I included in our Sexual Goals for Partners PDF a tool and tips for scheduling sex, and other tips and tricks to help supercharge the sexual health in your partnership. Plus, your $3 purchase helps give me and my team permission to keep creating content our culture needs to boost sexual health in all facets of our lives.